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when I write

If flowers would not wither
(a book of poems about life, death, shared spaces, movement connections, eating disorder and healing processes)

DOVE SONO (Italian Version)

Listening to myself in the silence of the world was revitalizing.

I often felt alone and no longer understood what I was missing while I was missing everything.

My brain kept typing the lines of a crazed typewriter. 
I couldn’t deal with half life, I wanted it all.
it was always the same, whenever something happened, start again, to hang up the infinite thread of emotions that I accidentally let slip away,
I chose this life yes,
I just can't think of experiencing something that doesn't drag me entirely with it.
I often fall.

I cry when I don’t know, where I am, and where I will go, and where is that love that remains there, homeless.  I cry when it rains, if I don't dance and I can't take any good pictures, I cry if the sky is white, if I don't know where to go.
I had my soul with me. this no, I don't want to get lost anymore. And the pieces of me are all over the place.

I felt like climbing a mountain and the strength in the arms gives out but you don't give up, I felt that resistance inside, the whole climb. 
I wanted to feel at home for a moment. 
But I didn't know.  Where to go.

I forgave myself for just being like that, 
caring about things, 
I would have always jump into things
(Then I don’t know)
And then I also realized that I don't necessarily have to know anything.  I live in an endless path of things for which I will always give myself and my heart. 

Clear mind and open heart, 

Say it out loud that it hurts, 
that felt good too.  Let go, believe and do it again

I wrote a letter to myself saying I wanted a quiet life, chatting at a table with people I love, munching on cereal, getting up in the morning with a cup of coffee in hand and safety around, plans. 
Nothing was true, 
I wanted the thrill of not knowing where I would go, the thrill of improvised yes, the continuous journey of what I would have chosen purely and truly every day.  I wrote a letter to myself, never to betray me.

I thought for years what balance meant
nothing about not feeling anything, 
you can't always feel good and 
you can't always feel bad.

How would you treat a person who is like you?
I’ll save you who are dear to me
The healing


Random thought:
things I do and words I say. It’s very much scream feeling.
I can not move
My biggest fear is falling short.

Fuck the world and don't forget to eat
That’s not mine.

today, as it was, I can't help throwing my whole.
I allowed myself to shine there was very little sun.  I was the sun and all









I wrote 7 pages more, one for every day I felt on that my thing last week. 
Some thought came under shower.
I’m one of those singing, crying and getting wrinkles on the hands.
Has been some times I was not talking my words, is the thing I got that morning.
Bunch of love,
A punch of

(It’s two blocks away.
It’s well signposted.
Take Exit 55.
It’s about a mile away.
Turn around.)

things I can never find 








I counted a million things.

The same thousand pieces of me, here I am all broken.  Where am I. 
In the place where I would like nothing to move.  For a while. 
For a while it was beautiful.  I am broken and these are the pieces collected. 
On the ground there is you. And I mean all those you that come to my mind.  You know I have good and bad days. 
Come on now love.  A thousand miles away.







I said I wouldn’t write before leaving.

Can I tell you something?
It’s fun, guess already you know.

My hart is a book.
I killed my last cell brain by giving to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

You deserve it all.
I counted it till number three, the things you left: sock, shirts and that thing under my clavicle.

It’s extremely scream feeling, I have a tips, I write it down.

‘At least’ doesn’t work for you, but I will help.

The last time I didn’t know was that, it wasn’t, so that came again.

I’m not tired tonight, I’ll hide it and be, the song ‘No words’ is singing for me.

Don’t talk to me again.
I didn’t know that one.

Can I tell you something?

How come? Never leave me.
60 plus 5 I we’re in the clouds, I saw some sun this week. After seven days I didn’t fall in that other thing, still picking the pieces up the floor, still you on the floor.

Still all the ‘you’ that came to my mind.
Can I tell you something ?

Did they ever tell you?

I had both, sometimes I started running, sometimes I just couldn’t move.

Love is not a contract. 
I know anything.


I said I wouldn’t write before leaving

I finally left.

Left nothing behind, still holding people, laugh, fears, thoughts and flowers.

And I miss nothing,

I just wish 

more time with all that things


To you I wish the best 

That every single you put your socks on backwards,

that every morning your coffee is bitter and cold,

I wish you the best 

I’ll see you soon, I wish


I didn’t run away as I often do, I’ll be back soon 

It’s going to be good, better than good,

That life isn’t fair.


Reach and grab the moon,

If I’m implying, I wish just a bit more light,

Open ended, 

Do what you want 

Take over


I hope you also know the taste of hope

I can’t help,

that my dreams are constantly changing

To know and be loved.

For the love of my life I’m trying my best.


I’ll see you soon to melt with.

Cause I lately felt bit lost. 

Now looking back, I know I’m growing in my process.


You will know how to cross darker and lonely spaces because you know what you are looking for, do not fear.

To see things with other eyes, that all this is needed to make the better us.

That light, tears, softness, bravery it’s all needed to heal. 

Still learning to let go, to make lighter the weigh I fell often in my chest, to reinventing myself every day.


To remind that life is constantly changing.

Encouraging to trust, to let go and love, to be loved.

To be grateful for what we got, for who we and where we are right now, and when life feels wrong and it hurts to be happy, to learn and move again. 

That feeling bad is temporary, that we can’t always feel good, that balance needs perseverance that comes from believe.


Cause I would have left me if I could. 

Holding myself tight.







It was revitalizing the time I realized that the image I see in the mirror has the shape of my feelings, my body is full till capacity with emotion. So what I see reflect can’t always be good, it can’t always be bad, but I can except it and embrace it every day. Releasing that concept of perfection that is nothing we need to be.

Like my worst nightmare coming true, 

that I'm fine and can't 

feel anything


Anything at 0 or 100 

because pain is better than apathy


In my feet that are the roots 

up to my hands 

where I fall in love

I left without too many things with me
except myself and the need 

To know that ‘it is possible’ 

to do anything you want. 

Get where you want, 

as far as you want.

You know that traveling 

heals the soul, 

it reminds you that you are still made to love, 

to be loved, 

that getting lost on unfamiliar streets is normal and turning in an unfamiliar direction is special.

It reminds you that you can always choose 

all the yeses to say 

and also, the nos.

I feel my body, 

walking on the earth.

I would like to stop in that moment 

when I was wet from the water and I was dancing, turning to those who love me, 


under the golden sun.

I'll dance forever, 

I'll dance forever.

My body is always with me, I can dance anywhere.

This feels good.

It does.

I will dance forever.

I wish for more light.  

I wish light, I wish for hands, skin, I wish understanding, I wish respect and hears that can listen.

I wish for clemency.

I wish you to feel loved, to never doubt of that.

I wish you never lose trust in life.

That you never feel empty, heavy or powerless.
I wish life can surprise you and cheer you much earlier than making you hopeless.

Your eyes to never get lost in either white or dark. To  I read get lost inside other people eyes. 

To keep your hears open to reality, that noise make you floating but silence make you stop.

I wish wouldn’t be so easy to lose myself in five minute of break, pain and suffering have alway been my safe place, they still are , till they won’t be anymore.

I pry for kindness, that the world is a tough place and it’s not going to change.

I wish you can get bored of tears and drag yourself up again.

I know you, one of those that can shine more than a summer day.

Don’t loose yourself in those thoughts, you become ugly and you sleep too much.

Take your five minute break. You never liked breaks, I know you, you wish you can stop the time.

You did already, time back.

The wind stopped, but you are a piece of paper.

I feel like a piece of paper in the wind. Will come the hurricane and I will move again.

That I’m the wind, the hurricane, the sun and all.

And so you are.

I wish for a place we wouldn’t need to go through mental issues, I hug you tight, I’ll be with you forever.
I’ll move and move you forever.


Till then, I’ll rebel the world by loving more



And then the pain will be replaced with an abundance of gratitude. 






My chest is a box of emotions 

that I could never take out.

I feel, 

to be alive

while feelings are setting up my funeral.

I chase freedom everywhere 

I loose the route looking for shapes 

but freedom is made of colors


Tell me, what is the thing that you are scared the most?

From time to time happens that I'm lost

so I look at the mirror and tell my brain 

that I’m here alive.

It would not believe it

till on the other side

you did you 

shaped into me

so my weaknesses became flowers tight on my hair


If I could only stay five minutes more

I'll be coming back there 

when stars were shooting on us and the sea was singing

I heard the sea praying for clemency,

for beliefs that I don't know.

Then it could also not matter


But now coming towards you 

it's like walking through the waves of an angry sea

that I come closer

and they bring you away

and I get carried away

as you get closer


If I could stay only five minutes more

my whole,

instantly bigger,

no more zero but only hundred

I feel I can't move 

and I would start running


If I hold back I'm lost

to me

and to you 

How can I be lost to you 

If the day I met you you made me free

If that made us both free


One month passed

surrounded by the most populated country

so many people around




space wasn't full enough even like that

till one room can be full like a whole country

embodying time passing in there, like discovering a new land.


Home is empty now

many things are empty now.

Step down with your left foot when you wake up.

If you think all the space that is in between us now, how many places are filled up.


I'm looking for freedom everywhere

Tell me, what is the thing that you miss the most?

It is always people.

I’m good, I’m okay, I felt in love about ten more times and I still haven’t really slept at night.

The sky didn’t change, the same star is still looking at me while it is looking at you.

I’m looking for routes to nowhere and make love with my nightstand.

I miss you in an unspeakable amount of hugeness that my dreams are taken in the night and with you pervading my body I remember what shape is mine.

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